This blog is dedicated to Mary, whose last name I have subconsciously blocked from my brain. I'm fairly certain she would gladly go by Mary of Nazareth. Who is Mary you ask? No no not the virgin who birthed Jesus without ever having sex. I'll save this ridiculous story for a different day. Mary is a psychotic woman who I had the privilege of speaking to on the phone for nearly fifteen minutes. Mary received a Photo Radar ticket for speeding. Allegedly 45 in a 30. Her opening question, which took an eternity to spit out was "The ONLY people who receive Traffic Citations are Drunk Drivers and Drug Addicts, so I'm wondering why I received this, because I am neither of these."
Keep in mind that this question sounds completely rational to her. She was extremely articulate with her words. I could tell that she had a difficult time organizing her thoughts, which is fine, I am the same way. I also choose my words carefully. But why in the hell after filtering out what you were originally thinking would you come up with this ludicrous question? My only reaction to this insane thought was to laugh. I so wish I could control this part of me, but I honestly cannot. Of course this outburst infuriated Mary. She interrupted my little surge of laughs with "this is NOT funny". Oh shit, this is when I realized just how crazy this woman was. Now I must go into ultra sarcastic tone. Ah something else I cannot control. So I respond with an "OoooKAY". Just great, can I make this any worse? The answer? No matter what you say, Staci it's GOING to get worse. So fuck it, here are my inappropriate outbursts Mary. Loud and clear for you.
Mary begins to tell me how she is a teacher (is there anything fucking more terrifying than that?!). She then explains how she presents photographs to her students of children killed in drunk driving accidents. She is using her Mary of Nazareth tone at this point. If we had any actual proof of Mary of Nazareth's existence, I'm sure she would have this tone, I'm sure of it. Anyhow, I believe I was supposed to be impressed here and say "WOW, you are an amazing individual and I hope that if I ever have children that you will be their mentor because apparently you have your shit together, Mary". But you know what? I didn't say that. All I could do was put my phone on mute and say loudly "this woman is fucking nuts!!" while covering my face in utter disgust. Everyone knows that the only way to educate people is to instill fear into them, am I right? It definitely earns you a good ol' dose of respect. It worked wonders for the Bush Administration, didn't it Mary?
Now Mary is asking about the process for her ticket. Can you believe we haven't even discussed this yet?! So I give her my spiel in the most monotone voice I can muster up. She has gained so much respect from me that I have gone into my apathetic traffic court clerk robot voice. She then asks me how she can get a hold of the officer in charge of her citation. First, I tell her that it is nearly impossible to reach an officer, in fact we are told to tell Drunk Drivers and Drug Addicts that they are not to contact the officer. She once again interrupts me with "OH I KNOW how to get in touch with an officer". So I respond with "Great, so you don't need my assistance here since you obviously know how to contact the officer". Once again I cannot control my sarcastic tone. I'm not sure if Mary even picks up on this though. She probably took this as a compliment.
Sadly, this is where Mary and I part our ways. We say our farewells, I put my phone on "not ready" for a few seconds to take a deep cleansing breath and rid myself of insanity from this psycho bitch. On to the next Drunk Driver or will it be a Drug Addict this time? Fucking Traffic Citations.
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