A Day Without Plumbing...by sTeeTo

The title for this blog might sound as if I am speaking of a day out in the woods, but no, this is not true. You see, this blog is about a female coworker of mine who will go nameless. Let's just say that the name she chooses to go by, has a plumber-like ring to it. 

Now the question is, why would I write about the absence of "The Plumber" in my fun filled work day? Well, my friends, I chose to do this because our poor little plumber called in sick today, so my coworkers and I decided that I would be her replacement. What does that mean? Well join me in my Plumber For a Day adventure, won't you?

First of all, I need to paint you a picture of this gorgeous gem. I'll start from head to toe because if I attempted to paint this picture from hip to hip it would take far too long, and frankly I don't have the time. I have heard her describe herself to defendants over the phone. 

"I'm full-figured and have short, red, fun spiky hair". 

Don't even ask me why she would be describing herself over the phone, especially to a man who just claimed to be calling her while in the shower. I'm not even kidding and  I'm also getting sidetracked. Okay, so here is my translation of her self description. 

"I'm 400 pounds and have short purple hair which I lacquer throughout the day to make it spiky and dangerous enough to poke someone's eye out, especially if English isn't your first language". 

Whoops! That last one just snuck in there, but The Plumber does enjoy using her condescending tone with people that aren't "American".  If it was up to her she would be building up borders right in our workplace to "keep em out". 

So she's the size of a house and has "funky" hair...now for her makeup. The best way I could describe it, is that of a Drag Queen. Layers upon layers of foundation, which I have noticed has not been matching her natural skin tone lately. I think she accidentally ordered too light of a shade from Avon this week. Oh well, at least she's still putting it to use. Gothic Plumbers are always good for a laugh too. I believe she uses Cher to inspire her eye shadow technique. Maybe she actually is a man? Plumber? Drag Queen? Cher? It's all starting to make sense now.

So now you have a good visual of what I'm dealing with here. Now, what does it mean to be a Plumber for a Day? It means that I think that I am a Diva and all of my co-workers pull my weight, which speaking literally is extremely tiresome. 

Being a Plumber for a Day also means that I have a one track mind. When I have a side job I'm working on, suddenly everything in my field of vision completely vanishes. Actually, the term "side job" does not exist in my vocabulary. I can be ringing mail at the front counter and a defendant will be standing in line, waiting to be helped. I won't even acknowledge their existence. If they even DARE to approach my window I will tell them to stand back in line so my coworker next to me can stop their side job to help that defendant. I will be sure to use my condescending tone with them too. 

My friends will always come first while working. If one of my friends decides to pay me a visit while at the counter I will simply turn around and talk about the new design ideas for their house, this will go on for a good ten minutes because I want to be sure we cover every minute detail in this conversation. I don't even notice when that defendant tells my coworker "it's good to see SOMEONE is working".

I notice that when I'm a Plumber for a Day that anyone with an accent is also hard of hearing. I have to yell so loud at them and must always sound belittling because this is MY country damn it. The fact that I have Portuguese blood in me does not play a factor here because as I mentioned before I am a Diva. 

 

Being a Plumber for a Day requires me to always have an assortment of family photos at my desk. Framed photos might I add. Regardless of the fact that we rotate desks, I MUST have these with me at all times. Everyone knows when I am changing desks because it takes me 5 trips to gather all of my belongings. Sometimes I will just place all of the photos on my abnormally large sweat stained office chair to save the extra trips. Luckily, when I'm at the counter I have an entire wall I can post my religious propaganda on too. This makes me feel so much better about myself because I know that if I pray to God I will automatically be sent to heaven. It's very cut and dry you know. The fact that I am the most apathetic person some may know, has nothing to do with my relationship with God. The cute little Tweety Bird illustration on my wall proves that. 

I also have my own keyboard that I must use. If anyone who switches out my keyboard does not put it back while I am on my 14th sick day of the month I am then allowed to throw a fit. By this I mean I can take the keyboard that is sitting at my desk and throw it down so it comes crashing down next to my coworker who most likely had nothing to do with who was sitting there before. This way I know that my point was made. This also shows that I have the mental capacity of a 4 year old child. If anything is out of its' place I am allowed to completely lose it. My life must be a certain way and I refuse to deal with change.

Us Divas are like that. We have these completely different views of ourselves that will play an important role in the learning process of our lives. However, we choose to ignore that process because we are so self-absorbed that there is truly not enough time to have compassion for another human being. 

So that is a day in the life of a Plumber. I could honestly write a fucking book on this, the material is truly endless and never ceases to amaze me on a daily basis. I hope you enjoyed!