BACK OFF. By Jeeto.

To the Stupid Bitch who followed me too closely in her BMW,

When I’m driving 60 in a 55mph lane please don’t fucking ride my ass in your BMW while you’re gabbin’ away on your cell phone. If you need to go faster than 5 miles over the speed limit, please put on your blinker and go around me. Oh, you don’t want to? You would rather ride my ass so close that I can read your lips while you’re talking on the phone about how I’m now slowing down to go under the speed limit just to piss you off so that you’ll go around me? If I can’t see your headlights because you’re so close and if it actually looks like my back window could be your front window—YOU’RE TOO CLOSE. And if we’re going 50 mph at this point, YOU’RE REALLY TOOOOOO CLOSE. So what do I do? Slow down even more to piss you off. What do you do? Bitch about it to your gal pal on the phone BUT NEVER PASS ME. So I make it my mission to torture you as long as you remain behind me. I do “caution breaks” if there’s a car in the median, I slow down if there’s a red light in the distance, take forever to get up to a decent speed after being at a red light. And what do you do? Still follow me?! I was so shocked that it had now been like 10 minutes and there you were, right there—with your hideous bleach job hair, fake lips and acrylic nails pressing with rage into your steering wheel. Eventually, when I’m now going 20 in a 35 you decide to get in the other lane. Thank you. But now you’re following the van in the other lane too close. So I decide it would be fun to speed up so you can’t get around the nice lady in the van. And then I sit, side by side with the van lady and we smile at one another knowing that together we’re making your dangerous rear end loving life a living hell, that much more. Next time, Miss BMW, I suggest that you learn how to GO AROUND someone if you don’t like the speed their going instead of riding their ass for 15 miles. And I sure hope you can afford that car your driving, and that it’s not on a lease because when you cause a car accident because of your negligence, it might be a bit expensive.

Love,
Jeets